When Friendship Doesn't Work

It seems I have struggled with friendship all my life. I have always had a hard time making and/or keeping friends for whatever reason. It was never something that came to me naturally as it does for some people - I am not bubbly and outgoing, people are not naturally attracted to my personality. Since it is such work for me to make friends sometimes I ask myself if it is really worth it. Why put all that effort into it when I was just going to lose the friend anyway?

There have been a few points in my life when I did not have any friends. Once when I was a young girl in school and a couple times in my adult life as well. It is a hard spot to be in, but at the same time those were the points in my life when I probably grew the most in my walk with God. Not having those friendships made me no longer rely on human validation for my worth.

In our society today we have become obsessed with popularity. It has become a god for many. We are driven by how many “likes” we get or how many followers we have. It can become an addiction to seek out that validation and affirmation, but it is a false affirmation. It is a facade and an imposter. Those “likes” and followers do not equal true, valuable friendship - they are merely an illusion of it. If we are not careful we can build a kingdom in our mind, but at the end of the day not have any true connection and accountability.

But what if it is true connection? What if we have real, flesh and blood, present friendships and they still don’t work out? What then? I know, for me personally, I get into trouble when I place a friendship at too high of a place in my life. Don’t get me wrong- friendship is a gift, it is a treasure and it is something every person should have in their life. However, if at the moment you find yourself alone and lacking that connection know that perhaps God has a purpose in it. At my deepest times of loneliness I have had to truly make God my Source.

When it comes to friends the truth is that no friendship will stay the same forever. Yes, you may be one of those lucky few who finds a lifelong friend. But even so - that friendship is going to morph into something different all throughout your life. The friendship you had as children is not going to look exactly like the friendship you have as adults (unless you still have slumber parties and talk about boys you like - it is possible I suppose). But friendship is something that changes and grows all throughout your life. No friend is going to meet every need you have socially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sure, it is a popular idea to have that one “BFF” who is all you need and with whom you share every thought with and do everything with but the idea is just not realistic or even healthy. To put all of our emotional and social needs into one person can be dangerous. We are merely setting ourselves up to be disappointed.

So then… what is the good news you ask? This all sounds very pessimistic and cynical, but I assure you it is not. When we let God be God in our lives and friends be friends it is a very freeing thing. Friends are wonderful, but friends make really lousy gods. If we take a realistic, healthy view of friendship then we will see that we do not need to be exclusive and have that one “BFF” to fulfill all of our needs, we do not need to get possessive and we don’t have to get jealous when our friends hang out with someone else. We are free to the possibilities of having many different friends who each meet a different need. We can have that friend for deep conversations, the friend that keeps us sharp, the friend we laugh with, the friend that we pour into, etc..  and we don’t need to get upset when our friend can’t always be there when we feel we need them. I am not saying we should not try to be there for each other, but we are after all human and it will not always be possible. God is always there. He will never let us down. Humans will, husbands and wives will, pastors will, children will, parents will and yes friends will too.  

Friendship doesn’t work when we put our friends in the place where God should be. He should be our source and the first one we call to when trouble comes. He should be the one we get our validation and worth from. So many times we go to our friends first, or even Facebook first - but we should go to God first. Let Him fill that void in your life. Then your friends won’t be put in that place where God should be, but every friendship you have will be an added blessing. This not only frees you it also takes the pressure off of your friends to feel they need to fulfill all those areas in your life. Enjoy your friendships but don’t ruin them by making them the source
and center of your life. It just doesn’t work.